Thirty Years of Thanks

This year I celebrate my thirtieth Thanksgiving.  I thought it appropriate to take a trip in the way-back machine and call out thirty specific things, from recent history and the distant past, to be thankful for on this holiday.

1. I am thankful for the doctors, nurses, and prayers that kept my heart beating on April 7, 1981 when I was born two months premature.  The doctors told my folks not to even name me, as I had zero chance for survival.  Yet, here I am.
2. I am thankful for being raised by two wonderful, loving parents whose own thankfulness translated into a lifetime of love and care.  I am a true reflection of them, and knowing how many people care for me magnifies their success.
3. I am thankful for old music.  I recall afternoons at home and trips to Grandma's full of Creedance, Harry Nilsson, Warren Zevon, Steppenwolf, and countless others.  It brings me joy to play old albums or see the old 8-track under my television, as it brings back waves of emotion that can be instantly replicated by opening my ears to that identical sound.
4. I am thankful for Dad accepting the job to manage the first Price Mart grocery store in Tulsa, on Admiral just off Sheridan.  Taking that job moved us to Broken Arrow and the stability I grew up around.  Dad's subsequent promotions allowed us a comfortable living and many family vacations as well.
5. I am thankful for the faithful canine companions that I've lived with and loved.  Sammy, Floyd, Lucy,  Penny.  I'm also thankful for my old cat, Atticus, who now enjoys a new family.  There is nothing like the love of a pet.
6. I'm thankful for my childhood best friend, Jared, whose companionship was a constant in my formative years.  Spending the night at each other's houses, Nintendo, Boy Scouts, weekends at the lake with a bag full of little powdered donuts.
7. I'm thankful for time at Grandpa Hardy and Grandma Gail's house in the country, near Pawhuska.  They lived in a converted schoolhouse on a few acres.  Fourth of July, Christmas, and other visits were so special to me.  The sounds of the countryside, the joy of exploration, and the warmth of the fireplace.
8. I'm thankful for Saturday mornings at the office with Dad.  I got a young view into the working life and have fond memories of walking the stores afterwards.  For a while, they had a cooler with glass bottle Coke.  That was awesome!
9. I'm thankful for being able to ride my bike all throughout my neighborhood without fear or concern.  I had friends on my block, and could ride to Jared's house without much difficulty.  Wolf Creek park wasn't far, either.  I can close my eyes and see the entire route.
10. I'm thankful for my brother; without him, I would not have learned patience nearly as quickly or effectively.
11. I'm thankful for Mom's open ear and honesty; it was that same openness that gave me the courage to call her up and get me out of troubling situations when I wanted no part of them.  She fielded my questions about religion and stoked my interest in reading.
12. I'm thankful for Steve Ojas visiting my sixth grade class with his electronic flute and other musical gear; it was then I realized that electronic music had a strong appeal for me.  I remember nights of listening to MIDI music on my 60 mHz computer, feeling fulfilled when I found new files that were exceptionally well made.
13. I'm thankful for Jared inviting me over one night to play this new PC game called Warcraft.  We built villages, fought orcs, and spent hours in front of that VGA screen.  Those sessions eventually gave way to Warcraft II, III, and eventually got me into World of Warcraft, which has given me so many hours of enjoyment, bonding, and even brought me face-to-face with new and cherished friends.
14. I'm thankful for my first car, which I still miss.  Dad sold me his 1988 Merkur Scorpio for $1, a great deal at the time, but I sure made up for it in repairs over the years.  Leather seats, power moonroof, plentiful space, and it handled like a dream.  I wept when I drove it to the dealership to trade it in, even though it hadn't treated me super well.
15. I'm thankful for open campus lunch when attending Tulsa Technology Center in 11th and 12th grade.  That core group of friends still exists, mostly intact, and when we get together it's just like old times.  The vibe cannot be replicated.
16. I'm thankful for my first job at Price Mart, where I realized that the industry that put food on the table (literally) for my father and his father before him wasn't for me.  I learned a tremendous amount and it still affects the way I shop and treat employees at current stores.  I sure don't miss running carts, though.
17. I'm thankful for my first trip to Italy in tenth grade with classmates.  Although I felt lonely and isolated at the time, the experience of being in another country lit a pilot light that would grow tremendously in a little over a decade's time.
18. I'm thankful for my first girlfriend, Aubrey, for I learned a great deal.  We went to prom together, graduated together, and got our first apartment together.  Although things didn't end on the best note, the experience started to build a confidence in me that I had never had before.
19. I'm thankful for Dad calling me into the living room at night, when I was doing something way more important like SimCity or building Lego constructions, and showing me his favorite scenes from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly or Escape from New York, sharing his love for movies that I soon embodied and took to the next level.  Although at the time I impatiently watched whatever he wanted to show me, they reside in my memory with great fondness.
20. I'm thankful for my time in Topeka, KS and the poor treatment at the Blockbuster Video stores there.  It was that treatment that got me looking into other employment, finding Teletech, and earning enough money in a call center job to move back home to Broken Arrow.
21. I'm thankful for Carla and her friend (whose name still escapes me) in Topeka, coworkers for a time, who called out that I wearing clothes based on grocery products was lame and I needed to find my own style.  That call-out helped me grow into my own person in that regard and I think of that conversation often.
22. I'm thankful for Cingular Wireless, the job that morphed into a seven year pillar of my life and through which I met so many of my friends.  I grew into a leader in that organization and learned a lot about organizing and planning, which makes me successful in my job today.  I also got to experience the wireless industry and it stood up and came into it's own as the powerhouse it is today.
23. I'm thankful for my ex-wife, Indi.  Our time together brought me into adulthood as I know it.  She taught me so much about independence and individuality.  We shared everything together for seven years and, though it wasn't meant to be forever, I don't regret our time together in the slightest.  She even got me to try a few vegetables.
24. I'm thankful for the strength and emotional stability to be a source of strength when my parents divorced.  It was wholly unexpected and I was glad that I could be there for my parents when they'd been there for me through so much.  
25. I'm thankful for midnight movies.  There's nothing like sitting in a crowded theater with dozens and dozens of fellow uber-fans:  cheering, laughing, and crying together.  The conversations after-the-fact with those that came with and the bond of social enjoyment.
26. I'm thankful for the process of writing.  I've kept a blog or journal or SOMETHING for many years now and it's helped me shape the way I communicate.  It's how I deal with emotion and give a picture into my mind.  I think a thoughtful and well-written letter can be one of the greatest gifts you can give someone.
27. I am thankful for the inspiration to pick up a camera and consciously find my creative vision.  I get more enjoyment out of photography than any other hobby I've ever had and I have pictures on my walls that always fill me with pride and vivid memory.  Sharing my work with others is deeply fulfilling.
28. I am thankful for the courage and inspiration to sell my world and set off to experience the world of others.  My trip abroad was so monumentally enriching that it's impossible to dilute down to a bullet point.  Suffice to say it helped me understand myself better and get a better view of my fellow man.
29. I am thankful for the strength and discipline to get through the process of my father's untimely death and relative chaos afterwards.  It fell to me to settle everything, and though it was stressful it got me through some of the rough times.  Without the strong foundation that Dad himself helped build for me, I would've just completely fallen apart.
30. I am thankful for my rich network of friends and family.  Without you all, I could not have weathered the past year of loss and reflection with as much grace or vulnerability.  I am the most blessed guy in the world and all I have to do is look at the contact list in my phone to see why.

The Value of Friendship

I was driving to get lunch tonight and a Beatles song shuffled on my iPod that I hadn't heard before.  Actually, that's not true; last year, my best friends Nikki and Brad bought me The Beatles Stereo Box Set.  When I got all that music loaded onto my computer, I listened through the entire Beatles catalog for the first time.  I feel like that needs a little backstory.

Some time ago (not a long time ago; three years maybe?) I was driving and one of the local radio stations was doing a B-Side playlist; playing an uninterrupted B-Side of an old album.  I could tell it was the Beatles, but I didn't recognize the song.  I picked up my cell and called Nikki.  She is a big time Beatlemaniac and it never occurred to me to call anyone else.  I told her I wanted to know the name of a song because I hadn't heard it before; she was incredulous to discover it was 'Golden Slumbers' from the back of Abbey Road.  "You haven't heard all of ABBEY ROAD?!  WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" she immediately chastised me.  A sit-down listen through (on vinyl, as would be expected) was scheduled soon after.  This gift was the cap on that tale.  So, to bring us back to the beginning, a Beatles song came on my iPod I didn't remember.  It got me to thinking about my friends.

I met Nikki first, back when I was working at Cingular Wireless as a Technical Support representative.  We had a floor walking program at the time where I answered questions from Customer Service representatives.  We hit it off pretty quickly, having similar interests and senses of humor.  She schooled me in music, helped me with my sense of style, introduced me to the world of Harry Potter, encouraged me to be more confident, and has been there to listen to me at my whiniest.  She joined us in Japan during the world trip, too.

Brad was on tour at the time I met Nikki; when I finally got to meet him he had dreadlocks if you can believe it.  I wish I had a picture of that.  Brad played keyboards and backing vocals in a local band called 'All Too Familiar' and I followed him as he moved to The Commission and, finally, his own band Baron Von Swagger.  We have spent many nights playing video games and drinking beer long into the wee hours of the night.  Brad has introduced me to multiple bands that I'd never have heard of otherwise and introduced me to The West Wing.  We can sit and have nerdy Star Trek conversations or talk about the nature of God.  Brad is happiest when he is serving others, and takes pride in taking care of his friends.  We've road tripped to California, Atlanta, and Chicago together.

They are the kind of people that give before thinking of themselves.  I know I can call at any time, day or night, and if I say I need them they'll be there.  I sat on the tailgate of my truck outside their apartment as I realized my marriage was over.  When Dad passed, they were there for me too.  We laugh, we joke, we cry, we challenge each other, we turn to each other for comfort.  There is a strong bond of trust that comes with friendships of this caliber.  I don't know if they know how highly I think of them.  Well, they will now.

Life gets full quickly.  There are times when we get busy and I'll go weeks without seeing them; Nikki especially with her school/work schedule.  But like Beatles tunes, when they turn back up, there isn't a missed beat.  There's a feeling of synchronicity and enjoyment that is just built-in.  I hope everyone has a friend or friends that they are on this wavelength with.  They've gotten me through some pretty dark times.

Love you guys.

As Of Late

It's been a while since I've written.  I have felt the dull tendrils of grief slowly rising and wrapping around me, preparing me for an inevitable night of catharsis.  Until then, it seems little things set me off and put me into sad type moods.  It hasn't been anything overwhelming, just slight tugs at my normally constant smile.  It's not like things have been blah.  Far from it, actually.

I had a wonderful time in California with my friends last month.  I went out for Blizzcon in Anaheim and even stuck around to visit Disneyland.  It had been fifteen years or so since I last visited a Disney park and the nostalgia was palpable.  Visiting as an adult was quite different, and I was even talked into riding the Matterhorn and Space Mountain.  I'm not a roller coaster fan.  It's a testament to the persuasiveness of my companions that I buckled.  It wasn't too bad, to their credit.

It's hard to believe that we're already about a week into November.  I predict the next few months will be difficult to navigate, emotionally.  Just one year ago Indi and I split for good.  December 7 will be one year since my grandmother passed, and of course January is the big one.  The holiday season, and winter in general, is traditionally worse on depression and that kind of thing.  As I noticed the leaves changing and grass going dormant, I was reminded of the many trips I took to Pawhuska last winter to settle Dad's estate.  Highway 11 holds many pleasant memories of going to Grandma's house and visiting family, but now it also holds the memories of funerals and lawyers.  Such is life.

My camera took its last picture at Disney.  The lens mechanism failed and it's pretty expensive to repair.  I've been looking at getting a new one and I can't see any reason not to get the newest version of my old Canon G10.  It took great pictures and was very good to me in many countries.  Taking pictures is a therapeutic activity for me and I need to get back out and capture moments.  It brings me peace.  The newest incarnation of the Canon has an easier time with indoor pictures, too.  Thank goodness for that; it was my biggest complaint on the old model.  So much noise!

How strange is it that my brother is moving into a house with his fiance?  When did that kid grow up?  I think it's a ruse.

Still

It's been eight months and 25 days.  It's not like this is new.

Why is it when I tucked myself into bed tonight, expecting sleep and having not much else on my mind, that my thoughts turn to my father, and before I know it I'm crying out to him, wishing he were here.

I haven't cried in a while.  I suppose you could say it was time.  But it happened strangely.  Last night, my brother sent me a text trying to remember the name of a song.  After a little back and forth, I helped him remember 'Gimme Some Lovin' by Steve Winwood, one of Dad's favorites and one that I picked for his service.  I'm not sure why Tyler was trying to remember the song.  It wasn't any big deal.  I slept fine afterwards.

Tonight, when I laid down, I thought of that song.  I thought of Dad's picture up front in the church next to the urn.  I thought of last Christmas and my last time with him.  I'd say the emotions came flooding back, but that's not accurate in my mind; when I think of that phrase, I think of a sudden, overwhelming force.  It was actually much more like a real flood, where the water is low and slowly rises, it just keeps rising.  I wasn't suddenly in tears or anything, but one thing added to another added to another and suddenly I was just a mess.

It's nights like tonight that the silence of this house really gets to me.  Not that I'd know what to say, should a warm body be lying next to me.  Probably the same things, over and over again.  I might also not emote as much, afraid to disturb my partner.  Who knows?  Even though I have felt a ton of support from my friends and family, part of me still feels very alone.  I don't know what could change that.

I'm not really writing with purpose tonight.  No story or anecdote, no great learning.  Just writing.  I leave for Blizzcon in a week; a welcome vacation.  It's been more stressful at work lately with my project getting close to launch (Customer Service Week).  I feel as good as I probably can about it; perhaps that additional workload is wearing me thin where these emotions can easily surface.

It's nights like tonight I look out my window at the moon and wonder.  I speak to the night air, hoping it is heard.

Magic Hour

Magic Hour is the term for the first and last hour of sunlight in any given day.  Everything is washed in golden light and there is an ethereal quality to the atmosphere.  The orange and blue transitions to darkness as your eyes move from one side of the sky to the other.  It's a great time to take pictures.  It's also a time where I feel like anything is possible.

I've had a really good couple of weeks.  I have moments, of course, but overall September has been the best month I've had in nearly a year.  It feels very much like a sunrise; the cold and dark stillness of grief and loss is giving way to the warmth and brightness of life.  I smile.  I laugh.  I don't feel like I'm running on reserves anymore.  The river is flowing again and it's a very welcome feeling.

This afternoon, I went to lunch (so to speak) and drove the mile and a half to Taco Bueno.  It was about 7:15 PM and right at the tail end of Magic Hour; the sun had disappeared behind the westernmost buildings and I was left with the diffuse glow.  I got my food and pulled into a parking space to eat.  I was eating my quesadilla when I suddenly wondered how many times Dad sat in the same car, doing the same thing.  I know he ate out a lot, and would often eat in his car at the local Sonic.  I could imagine him sitting there, eating his food.  Radio on, probably, listening to one of the same 5 CDs he always had in his changer the last year of his life.  Nobody to talk to.  Just sitting there, going through a routine.

I didn't get sad.  I actually took comfort in the simplistic symmetry of the situation.  As I contemplated this, a minivan pulled up beside me.  A small child hopped out with his mother.  He looked over at the car and said, "Wow, what a cool Mustang!"  The mother agreed that, yes, it was indeed a cool Mustang, and followed that up by confirming that the boy wanted two burritos and a taco as they walked inside.  When I heard the kid exclaim his approval, I turned my head, met his eyes, and smiled.  He smiled back.  I have to believe that when Dad found himself sitting in his car, eating by himself, that he had the same run-ins.  It's Magic Hour, after all.  He was so proud of that car.

I miss him.  A whole hell of a lot.  I feel that his legacy is able to live on in his boys.  Every time I make a bad joke, every time I gun the accelerator in his car, every time Steppenwolf plays on the stereo.  Every time I call Tyler and ask how his car's running without thinking about it.  Every time I'm hanging out with my brother, we look at each other, and say, "Well...I don't know." and smile knowingly.  So many little things.  So many big things.  He'll never be completely gone, and that makes me smile.

Relations

Family is important.

When I was younger, we would spend the 4th of July and Christmas at my Dad's folks' place.  They lived in an old converted schoolhouse about fifteen miles north of Pawhuska, OK.  It sat on two acres and the only traffic that old gravel road ever saw were from few-and-far-between neighbors.  Dad was raised out there, as were my aunt and uncle.  We visited at other times, of course, and I also visited my Mom's folks in Barnsdall, OK semi-regularly.  At some point, those visits started waning.

I was somewhat close to most of my cousins.  Nobody ever fought or anything.  In the mid-nineties, we didn't go to my Mom's folks much anymore after some heavy family drama, but visits to Hardy and Gail (Dad's parents) continued.  In 1997, my aunt Kim passed away from cancer.  It was hard on the family (as would be expected) and it happened right around the time us kids were getting to an age where family gatherings started to lose their luster.  Factor in the age of my grandparents and a few other things and it wasn't long before the normal gatherings dwindled and then turned into visits too shamefully rare to mention. It's nobody's fault, it just happened. Now it's uncommon that I ever get up to Pawhuska and see the rest of my family there.  I keep telling myself I'll do better, but I haven't yet.

I remember seeing Grandpa Hardy in the hospital not long before he passed.  He was sitting up and had several tubes attached to his face.  He smiled when I came into the room; a smile that assured me there was still lucidity and understanding.  He couldn't really talk, but he reached out to shake my hand.  I know he wanted to show me how strong his grip was.  I shook his hand and smiled generously.  He had no strength left.  This was a man that I'd always known could crush every bone in my hand if he ever decided to.  He had whittled down to this. That's one thing I'm thankful for with my father; he didn't have to go through that process of withering.  He just went.

I look now and my Grandma Mary, on Mom's side, is the only grandparent left.  We have scares pretty regularly and I know it's not going to be long before she's gone, too.  I haven't seen her since before Dad passed.  I'm afraid if I go visit I'll be greeted with a version of her I don't want committed to memory.  I'm not close to that side of the family at all anymore, and that's a sad thing.

Every time Mom and I get together, she says, "Don't be a stranger!" as we part.  I know she wants to see me more.  She doesn't live that far away, only twenty minutes.  It's not a big deal.  But I don't see her but once every few weeks.  I feel guilty about it often.  I love my mother very much.  We get along great.  I don't know why I am not putting in a greater effort, or why I even need to put in an effort at all.  It vexes me, because I don't have many relations left.  "Life gets busy" is not a valid excuse.

Smiles

It's a new day.

As predicted, I woke up this morning in much better spirits.  Last night, I found myself in a place where I didn't want cheering up, but I did, and amidst the confusion I decided to reach out.  I spent a little over an hour with my good friends Leah and Darci, having a beer and just talking.  I came back home tired and vented; I awoke this morning with a smile.

Though I had no energy; I didn't run today.  I only went once this week.  Yipe.

When I'm feeling good, it's all smiles.  I launched one of my streaming electronic music channels, turned it up, piped it through the kitchen, and danced about.  I fixed tea and a quick breakfast.  I took a shower.  I started my chores.  I've been interacting with people all morning and it feels great.  Ever since I came home from Dragon*Con, I feel like I've been waking up.  Getting back to where I once belonged.  Bumps along the road are still expected, but I tell you they are so much fewer and far between.  Even my nightmares have reduced in quantity.

I write when moved.  The strongest emotions I've felt overall in the last year have been grief and sadness; I need an outlet for that emotion and writing has been my primary tool for that.  Things right now are terrific.  I write, but it's not public consumption writing.  It's been wonderful to be full of emotion on the other side of the spectrum.  An unexpected pleasure, to be sure.

Life is good!