8/27/08

Best Presidential Debate Ever

[fade in from commercial. John McCain is in the middle of the squared circle.]

McCain: "My friends..."

[crowd boos slowly, X-Pac style]

McCain: "My friends! Please! I come before you tonight to speak about an issue of great importance. I'm here to talk to you about an approaching danger, and one that I am graciously offering to shield you from. That danger is Barack Obama."

[boos rise once more]

McCain: "It's true! I was captive in a prisoner of war camp for five and a half years. Five and a Half Years! That's longer than most of you have been able to put together coherent sentences, if you have gotten to that point yet. I know pain! I know the dangers that this man poses if he is elected into the most powerful office in the world. We can't afford to let someone as soft-skinned and namby-pamby as Obama dictate our foreign policy! You need someone with experience like me!"

[boos rise again, sign behind McCain says, "BY GAWD IT'S MCCAINE!"]

McCain: "I've been in Washington for decades! I can play the system better than anyone. I know your interests, quite frankly, better than you do. I won't take too much off the top, but Cindy and I...heh heh...need a few more homes. I'm sure you won't mind! Besides, Barack isn't even at the Area tonight. He-"

[Barack's entrance music starts up, crowd goes banana~]

[McCain looks around, confused, helpless. He begins yelling at his cronies @ ringside to stop the music.]

[Barack strides out on the ramp to a deafening roar of approval from the crowd.]

Obama: "Look at you, out here running your mouth when you didn't think I'd be here to respond. That's low class, George."

McCain: "But my name's John..."

Obama: "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! As a matter of fact, it doesn't matter what you're saying, either! People know that when senile old people are talking, it's polite to nod, smile, and ignore what they are saying."

McCain: "But it does matter! I was a P.O.W. for years and it's time for me to get my dues!"

Obama: "Tell me, John...do you like pancakes?"

McCain: "Why, yes, I love pancakes..."

Obama: "Then pancake your ass back to Arizona! The only thing these people are here to see is CHANGE! And change that we can ALL believe in, not the change you're interested in depositing in your bank account after you've taken us down another four years of failed policies and kickbacks. We need-"

McCain: "Actually I-"

Obama: "Don't interrupt Barack when he's talking, jabroni! We need a changing of the guard in Washington. We need to get out of Iraq, rebuild our economy, and restore our standing in the world. Do you really think another Old White Guy(tm) is going to accomplish that?"

McCain: "Not just one old white guy! I have a tag team partner that'll help me finish you off once and for all and let me assume my rightful place as President! And here he is!"

[Lights go out briefly. When the come up, Joe Biden is in the ring behind McCain. ]

[McCain looks @ the ramp, confused by the absence of his supposed partner. The crowd is full of nostalgia for Biden and is cheering.]

[McCain finally turned around and walks right into a patented Biden clothesline. McCain's cronies scatter.]

[Biden picks up McCain's discarded microphone.]

Biden: Sorry to dissappoint, John...but your time is up! And that's the bottom line, because Joe Biden and Barack Obama said so!"

[Cue Obama and Biden's tag team music.]

Note: I actually despise the Rock as a credible wrestler. He makes a great foil, though. I refuse to do any kind of "If you smelll..." reference, although it would've fit nicely.
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