Historically, I do not have pleasant dreams. Before I met Indi, I often didn’t remember them; maybe one or two a month. They were always a jumbled mess or a nightmare. When we started sharing the same bed, I started remembering my dreams nightly. Still a mixture of confused/bad dreams, but I remembered them regularly. After we split, I expected to go back to my rare remembrance state of being. So far, that hasn’t happened.
In addition to recalling my dreams every morning, they are getting progressively more wrenching. After Dad passed, I had a series of dreams about him that caused me to awake and re-experience the pain of loss. Lately I’ve been dreaming a lot about Indi and waking up still thinking she would be lying next to me. It’s frustrating and confusing. I miss her a lot, obviously…but it’s been six months. Why do I feel like I’ve regressed to a state where if she called today and asked to move back in, I’d say yes? Is it meant to be? Am I just lonely?
Stupid brain. I feel like I’m never destined to be happy again.