10/13/11

Still

It's been eight months and 25 days.  It's not like this is new.

Why is it when I tucked myself into bed tonight, expecting sleep and having not much else on my mind, that my thoughts turn to my father, and before I know it I'm crying out to him, wishing he were here.

I haven't cried in a while.  I suppose you could say it was time.  But it happened strangely.  Last night, my brother sent me a text trying to remember the name of a song.  After a little back and forth, I helped him remember 'Gimme Some Lovin' by Steve Winwood, one of Dad's favorites and one that I picked for his service.  I'm not sure why Tyler was trying to remember the song.  It wasn't any big deal.  I slept fine afterwards.

Tonight, when I laid down, I thought of that song.  I thought of Dad's picture up front in the church next to the urn.  I thought of last Christmas and my last time with him.  I'd say the emotions came flooding back, but that's not accurate in my mind; when I think of that phrase, I think of a sudden, overwhelming force.  It was actually much more like a real flood, where the water is low and slowly rises, it just keeps rising.  I wasn't suddenly in tears or anything, but one thing added to another added to another and suddenly I was just a mess.

It's nights like tonight that the silence of this house really gets to me.  Not that I'd know what to say, should a warm body be lying next to me.  Probably the same things, over and over again.  I might also not emote as much, afraid to disturb my partner.  Who knows?  Even though I have felt a ton of support from my friends and family, part of me still feels very alone.  I don't know what could change that.

I'm not really writing with purpose tonight.  No story or anecdote, no great learning.  Just writing.  I leave for Blizzcon in a week; a welcome vacation.  It's been more stressful at work lately with my project getting close to launch (Customer Service Week).  I feel as good as I probably can about it; perhaps that additional workload is wearing me thin where these emotions can easily surface.

It's nights like tonight I look out my window at the moon and wonder.  I speak to the night air, hoping it is heard.
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