2/15/08

Ramblin' Gamblin' Man

So here I am, sitting at the Waffle House and enjoying my favorite meal in the world: breakfast. It’s warm back here in the corner and my hash browns are perfect. So why am I upset?

Well, I can see it right out the window. Cherokee Nation Casino is right next door. I cannot properly express how much I dislike gambling. However, I fully realize that I am in the minority and that a lot of people enjoy it. All I have to do is look at all the construction and how nice the facility is to see how much people love to gamble. They’re making money hand over fist in there.

My wife loves to gamble. She has frequently said it is the only thing she really likes to do. This has created the big strife point in our marriage. I personally feel that any money spent at the casino is simply thrown away. Well, if I look at that logically, wouldn’t the same thing apply to playing a round of golf? Perhaps going to the strip club is closer. You’re spending money on something and walk away with no physical “thing” to show for it. It’s purely personal enjoyment.

Is it personal? I can’t gamble because I get mad when I lose. How come that guy over there with the smelly t-shirt just won $10,000? He didn’t earn it. I have just as much luck as him. So I recognize that I cannot gamble due to the fact that I get upset. But my hackles raise anytime someone mentions going…especially those that are close to me. It’s not MY decision, nor would I want to impose my beliefs on others. I don’t like the way I act.

I get downright mean. They’re going to take your money! They’re in business to swindle you! You’ll go in wanting to spend $20 and end up having to put groceries on the credit card! And every time you lose, you’ll want to go back to make it up! Hellfire! Brimstone! The end is near! Where is my cat of nine tails? Out!

I’ve been doing a lot of self-examination lately and realize I’m not as nice of a person as I like to think of myself. I have a lot of flaws that I intentionally glaze over and hope that if I don’t pay attention to them, no one else will either. God bless Indi, for any time that she brings up the casino I have the capability of flying off the handle. I don’t wanna be that guy.

It’s also very telling that I get the urge to write when I’m feeling strong emotion. So much of my life is bland and even-keeled that I sometimes cannot control the strong feelings when they surface. I heard on NPR the other day a guy that was talking about the positive health benefits of a good cry. Lately, when I’m watching a movie or something, and I feel emotional, I tend to get choked up over the smallest thing. It’s like I have all of this under the surface and my body is aching to have a reason to get it all out. Naturally, if the emotion happens to be anger, it gets a little extra juice too.

Perhaps when I finish my bacon here I’ll go home and put in Big Fish. That’s the big gun for me, that’ll get me crying like Nancy Kerrigan. Perhaps if I attend church this weekend I’ll bust open because I’ll realize that no matter how poor of a Christian I’ve been, God is waiting for me to come home and will welcome me with open arms. I don’t deserve that.
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